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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “yes” when everything in me was screaming “no.” Agreeing to stay late at work even though I was exhausted. Saying yes to family favors that I didn’t have the energy for. Even pretending to like certain things just to keep the peace. And every time I did it, I felt that tight knot in my chest of resentment toward others but mostly toward myself for not speaking up.
For a long time, I confused people-pleasing with kindness. I thought saying yes made me a better spouse, friend, or employee. But the truth? It made me invisible. I was showing up for everyone else while abandoning myself. I can still remember a specific weekend when my calendar was jam-packed with obligations. Every request I accepted chipped away at my energy, and by Sunday evening, I felt completely depleted, physically and emotionally. I realized that while everyone else benefited from my willingness, I had nothing left for myself.
I also remember one time I agreed to help a friend move, even though I had a migraine. I spent the entire day pushing through pain just to avoid disappointing her. She never even knew I wasn’t okay because I didn’t let her. That’s when it hit me: people-pleasing doesn’t just drain you; it also robs others of the chance to know the real you. When I hide my needs or discomfort to protect someone else’s feelings, I deny them the opportunity to connect with me authentically.
Understanding Why We People-Pleasers Say Yes
Research shows that people-pleasing is often tied to low self-esteem and fear of rejection, patterns that can come from family dynamics and early environments (Kumar, 2002). Growing up, I noticed I had to work extra hard for approval, a perfect grade, the right words, the right actions, just to feel seen. That pattern carried into adulthood. Every time I said yes out of fear rather than choice, it reinforced the idea that my worth was dependent on others’ approval.
People-pleasing is more than just a habit; it’s a survival mechanism. It can show up in professional settings as overcommitting to tasks, in friendships as avoiding conflict, or in romantic relationships as suppressing opinions. Over time, constantly prioritizing others can lead to burnout and even symptoms of anxiety and depression (Flett, Nepon, & Hewitt, 2016). Personally, I’ve felt the creeping weight of this pattern: exhaustion in my body, racing thoughts in my head, and the subtle sadness that came from feeling unseen.
The Emotional Cost of Saying Yes When You Mean No
One of the most painful lessons I learned was that my “yes” wasn’t always love, sometimes it was fear. Fear of disappointment, fear of being judged, fear of being left out. But fear is exhausting. Saying yes out of fear doesn’t strengthen relationships; it erodes your sense of self. I used to wonder why, despite being helpful and accommodating, I still felt lonely. The answer was clear: I was invisible in my own life.
Psychologists describe this as a conflict between authentic self-expression and social approval. When we constantly prioritize others over ourselves, we inadvertently teach people that our feelings and boundaries don’t matter. Over time, this can create a vicious cycle: we overextend, feel resentful, withdraw emotionally, and the fear of judgment keeps us trapped in people-pleasing behaviors.
The Turning Point: Learning to Say No
Breaking the cycle starts with awareness. I began to pause before answering requests. I ask myself: Am I agreeing out of love or out of fear? If it’s fear, the answer is no. At first, it felt selfish. I worried people would be upset, angry, or disappointed. But I learned that saying no can actually strengthen relationships. People who truly care about me respect my boundaries. Those who don’t? They were benefitting from my silence, not my love.
Setting boundaries is uncomfortable, and that’s okay. Research shows that setting boundaries and asserting one’s needs improves mental health and strengthens relationships (Markowitz et al., 2021). I noticed that every time I said no when I needed to, I felt a small but significant relief, a sense of reclaiming my time and energy. And with practice, saying no became easier.
Practical Steps to Stop People-Pleasing
- Pause and Reflect: Before agreeing to anything, ask yourself: Do I want to do this, or am I afraid of saying no?
- Start Small: Begin by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, like declining a social invitation or turning down a minor work request.
- Use Assertive Communication: Say yes or no clearly, without over-explaining. Example: “I’m unable to take this on right now.”
- Identify Your Triggers: Notice the situations or people that make you feel obligated to say yes. Awareness is key to change.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that putting yourself first isn’t selfish; it’s self-care.
I still struggle sometimes; it’s a lifelong process. But each time I set a boundary, I feel more aligned with myself. Saying no has freed me from carrying invisible weight and allowed me to show up authentically for the people and things that truly matter.
Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Kindness
Kindness is a conscious choice rooted in compassion. People-pleasing is a reaction rooted in fear. The two often look similar on the outside, but the internal experience is worlds apart. Kindness energizes you; people-pleasing drains you. Kindness strengthens connections; people-pleasing can leave you feeling isolated. Understanding this difference was a game-changer for me.
A Personal Reflection
I remember the first time I said no without guilt. It was a small request from a coworker. My stomach twisted with anxiety as I spoke the words, “I’m sorry, I can’t help right now.” I expected anger, judgment, or disappointment. Instead, they simply nodded and thanked me for my honesty. I felt a weight lift off my chest. That moment marked the beginning of reclaiming my autonomy and my energy.
Getting tired of doing sh#% you don’t want to do is actually a good thing. It means you’re ready to choose yourself, and that’s where freedom begins. People-pleasing doesn’t serve you or those around you. When you prioritize your needs, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion, you cultivate relationships and opportunities that are authentic and sustainable.
Your “yes” should come from choice, not fear. And every time it does, you remind yourself that your needs, feelings, and time matter because they do.
References:
Kumar, R. (2002). Perfectionism and people-pleasing behavior: A study of psychological correlates. Personality and Individual Differences, 33(2), 283–298.
Flett, G. L., Nepon, T., & Hewitt, P. L. (2016). Perfectionism, worry, and rumination in health and mental health: A review and a conceptual framework for a cognitive theory of perfectionism. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 20(3), 262–288.
Markowitz, J. C., Petkova, E., Neria, Y., Van Meter, P. E., Zhao, Y., Hembree, E., & Marshall, R. D. (2021). Is exposure necessary? A randomized clinical trial of interpersonal psychotherapy for PTSD. American Journal of Psychiatry, 168(9), 899–908.
